Interestingly, after my last post, Nicki saw a woman applying her make-up in the locker room after swim class. As I brushed and tied her hair, she stared at the woman's reflection in the mirror for a while and then asked "Mommy, why is that lady drawing on her face?" The woman laughed and I replied that she was "putting on make-up" and that "some mommies like to do that." She then said "But Mommy, she shouldn't use pencils on her face, that's for drawing on paper!" So I explained to her that what she was using wasn't a regular pencil and that it was made from different things that were safe to put on your face. She seemed satisfied with that answer, but continued to study the woman intently as she finished up.
Not long after that, Nicki got out an old mirror that was in one of her toy bins and began pretending to put on make-up. She then announced to me that my own make-up must have "fallen off" and that she needed to put some more on me. I felt uncomfortable with this type of play, but I obliged anyway, not wanting to squelch her fun. In the end she said she was actually drawing pictures on my face (butterfly, Elmo, hearts, etc) which I found interesting, since she obviously equated the application of make-up with the face painting she has received in the past.
The next day she asked me why I never put any make-up on. I had been anticipating this question due to her recent interest and yet still felt unprepared to answer it. The last thing I wanted to do was pass judgment on anyone who does wear make-up by making it sound like they are insecure about their appearance. But I also didn't want to glorify the idea of cosmetics. I dread the thought of her turning into one of those teenage girls who is traumatized by the idea of stepping out of the house without putting make-up on her face. I answered her question by telling her that even though some women choose to wear make-up to feel more beautiful, I think that I look beautiful just the way I am without make-up, just like I think she looks beautiful just the way she is without make-up.
Thankfully my answer was accepted this time around, but I can't even imagine what I will do when she hits those "tween" years and starts to have friends who wear make-up and wants to do it too. I don't know if I should try to discourage it and risk making it more appealing or just let my own hang-ups on the topic go and let her do what she wants. I have no clue at what age (if any!) I would find the practice of wearing make-up acceptable. I already know that I'm overly strict and massively over-protective and that I should probably let this go in the end and pick my battles wisely. I just wish I knew how to impart on her a sense of the importance of inner beauty versus outward appearance and how to give her the confidence and self-esteem to view herself as naturally beautiful.
I think my husband put it best when he responded to my previous blog. He told me that "there is a beauty in simplicity" that he loves, which was music to my ears. So hopefully with a mother who doesn't spend hours in front of the mirror every day and a father who appreciates the value of natural beauty, Nicki will grow up to be confident in her appearance without ever having to give it a second thought. I guess only time will tell...
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3 comments:
I don't have any feelings about makeup either way, but there are certain things I REALLY hope my kids adopt, like a love of literature, and a love for and belief in kindness and gentleness. I know it will be a challenge for me if they don't value things that are important to me; parenting, like you said, is often about picking wise battles and I think also about accepting and celebrating each child's unique personality and interests.
I think Betsy Shaw probably struggles with her daughter being such a little princess, since she herself is a self-described tomboy.
I enjoy your blog, even though we don't have much in common. Blogs are like mini-novel fixes for me. I don't have time anymore to actually read novels!
I struggle with the make-up thing as well. My mom was one who never ever is seen without full make-up. I will wear a bit on occasion -- eye pencil and mascara, at the most -- but not usually. I don't want to seem judgemental, like I am "above" wearing make-up (because I'm SO not) but I also do not want to give the impression that it's necessary, or even that looking "pretty" is the goal.
At this stage, my daughter is all about dresses and slathering play make-up on herself, and then going outside to play in the mud. And her brothers are all about slathering make-up on themselves, too, and then playing in the mud. So somehow I'm going to work that as having achieved a delicate balance...? ;)
How funny that comment is here from Pam. I just read through this post and thought to myself, "I went through these exact same fears and doubts about how to approach make up with my daughter." Esther used to always ask me why I don't wear make up and I was always coming up with not-too-preachy, but decidedly feminist answers. Now she only occasionally urges me to wear a bit of lipstick, for "fun" now and again.
Your posts make me feel thankful I don't live in an urban area. Hardly anyone in my town wears make up. When someone does, it is they who seem strange and out of place.
And.. I love that your kids chant "Ani Ani" in the car. I love her. I saw she is on the cover of Mothering magazine and want to get a copy but haven't yet. Esther used to beg for Lucinda Williams in the car now it's Glen Hansard 24/7.. Like mother like daughter.
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