The birth order theory

I have been thinking a lot lately about the differences in my children and how much of this is due to their own innate personalities and how much really is due to the order in which they were born into our family. How different would they each be if their order was flip flopped?

As much as I'd like to say I was the same mother to each of them in their first years, this is definitely untrue and most likely impossible. Nicki was the recipient of my undivided attention for the first 23 months of her life. She was my sole focus, my precious first-born child. Unfortunately she also bore the brunt of my parenting learning curve, forced to endure the endless trial and error of my choices.

Gabe on the other hand has had the luxury of a mother who has more confidence in herself and her parenting skills. Sadly for him though, he has had to fight tooth and nail to get my attention. I do my best to spend as much one on one time with him as humanly possible, but I know that it will never compare to the attention his sister received in her early years. I try to console myself about this fact by telling myself that he has something that Nicki never had: an older sibling to shower him with love and attention. That probably doesn't make up for the difference in quality time with me, but it has to count for something right? I sure hope so.

That being said, my parenting style has definitely changed in the past year or so. I find myself being much less strict with Gabe than I was with Nicki. Is this because of the guilt I feel over not giving him as much attention as she received? Or is it because with experience I've learned to pick my battles more wisely and ease up on the structure a little? Maybe it's because now I have a witness to my parenting coups and mishaps, a little set of eyes watching every move I make. Do I really want Nicki to witness the meltdown that Gabe would inevitably have should I choose not to let him bring a toy to the kitchen table at lunch? She blocks her ears and runs away whenever he cries, so it may very well be that I let him get away with more to keep her from getting upset. Strange dynamic, no?

Nicki perfectly fits the profile of the "typical" first-born child: smart, cautious, structured, and more comfortable around adults. Are these all traits that she would have had anyway had she been born a little further down in the order? Or are these truly all a result of her being our first? Gabe also displays the 2 main traits of a second child, as he is very sociable and amazingly affectionate. Could this really be a coincidence?

I guess I'll never know the answer to most of the questions I've posed here. No matter though. I love my kids exactly as they are. I embrace their differences as well as their similarities and hope that as they grow up they will be able to do the same. I want them to be proud of who they are. I want them to be proud of who their sibling is. I want them to look at each other with admiration and love and know that even though Mommy may have loved them each differently as they grew up, I loved them both just as much. And that's a whole lot.