Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Pondering life and death

Every now and then something happens that makes me contemplate my length of time on this earth. I wonder how long I will be around, whether or not I will have made any significant contribution to the world, and what the quality of my life will be like before I go. Sometimes this ends on a happy note, thinking about everything I have done in my short 29 years so far, and other times it ends on a sadder note, thinking about everything I would miss out on being a part of should I make my big exit earlier rather than later.

What brought about these thoughts this time around was taking the kids to visit their great-grandmother or "Grandmaman" as we call her. I am truly amazed every time I spend time with this woman. She is 91 going on 40 and has a spunk about her and a sparkle in her eye that make her seem so much younger than she really is. She has no serious health problems and is completely coherent when making conversation. She lives in an apartment complex for seniors, but in no way is it a retirement home. They all live independently, prepare their own meals, take care of their own apartments, and no medical services are provided there. It's hard to believe that she is only a few years away from 100. We should all be so lucky.

She raised 2 children and watched as they grew up, got married and blessed her with 5 grandchildren, one of whom is my husband Eddie. Not only has she lived long enough to see those grandchildren grow up but she now has 5 great-grandchildren to love and adore. She joked with me this past weekend that she was going to have to start writing everyone's birthdays down because she was starting to lose track!

The thought of making it to the same point in my own life is unimaginable to me. My kids are so young that I can't even fathom being a grandmother, let alone being around when my kids' kids have kids!

On the flip side of this is my aunt, godmother and namesake who is in her early fifties and very ill. She has a condition called Amyloidosis which apparently has been present since birth but was only detected now during a health screening by her insurance company. The ironic and truly sad part of all of this is that she is possibly one of the most health conscious people I know. It's frustrating to think that you can spend so much time taking good care of yourself and your health and then be blindsided by a disease that you have absolutely no control over. She has said that she has made peace with the fact that she is dying, but can anyone ever really be at peace with that thought?

The possibility of losing her to this disease saddens me on so many levels. It saddens me to think that she won't be a part of my life anymore. It saddens me to think about the husband and daughter she will leave behind. It saddens to me think about all of the things in her daughter's future that she is going to miss, like her playing softball in the Olympics this year and maybe someday getting married and having kids of her own. I know she would have been an excellent grandmother. It saddens me to think of her mother, my grandmother, who will outlive her own daughter. I can't even imagine the grief of watching your own child die and being completely helpless to do anything about it.

When I think about losing her, I can't help but think about my own life and death. There are so many things I've always just seemed to take for granted, like being around to raise my kids, seeing them off on their first day of kindergarten, helping them with their homework, cheering them on at their sporting events, hugging them at their high school graduation. And of course there are other things too like being there to hold them when they feel sick, to support them through a broken heart, to encourage them to follow their dreams. I've never considered the possibility of not being there to dance with my kids at their weddings, not being there to hold my grand-babies in my arms.

I guess all I can do is take the best care of my kids' mommy that I can, hope for a long and healthy life and let them know every single day how much I love them. Isn't that really all anyone can do?

1 comment:

Eileen said...

Danielle, i really like your blogs you have posted. I always enjoy the way you write and create images and emotion.
Life and death, always a topic that will send ones mind swirling with thoughs and concerns.
You asked if someone can really make peace? In a way, i think it is about choice to enjoy life now and share love and time with those we care about and be thankfull for the time we have been given. Instead of falling into a dark place of anger or depression, that is when we will miss out one all the beauty.